An interview with Pope DKD Cadaver of Melbourne. Originally broadcast on Strange Things, Radio RTR FM, Friday 15th September 1995. Interview conducted by Wolf Bylsmer. Erratically transcribed by Denys the Purple Wyrm.
Satanism has many forms. There is classical Satanism, there is modern Satanism. There is serious Satanism and then, there is the Church of the SubGenius. A self proclaimed Satanic institution which will do anything except take itself seriously. The story goes a little like this. Pope DKD Cadaver was the founder of the Satanic Church of the Sacred Excrameditation Bowl. He spontaneously combusted after an extensive, but highly mystical bowel movement. His ashes fell into the sacred bowl and a chemical reaction occurred. From the bowl rose Pope DKD Cadaver the Second, new Pope of Melbourne who founded the Satanic Church of the Sacred Excrameditation Bowl and Divine Slack. I spoke to Pope DKD 2, and asked why he felt the need to mock organised religions.
Why do we feel the need to mock organised religion? That's why they exist man ya...
But you yourself follow Satanic Philosophy I believe. Do you not regard that to be an organised religion?
Yeah. Hell yeah! You know of course, but ah, Satanism is currently my Short Duration Personal Saviour. You know this is one of our um, tenants you know, in the church of the SubGenius. You know we don't just follow one Saviour, we follow all of 'em you know, all of 'em, none of 'em, you know whatever one suits us you know that's what we call a ShortDavPerSav1 you know.
So it's whichever deity suits you at the time?
It can be anything, Bob, Jesus, Satan, Homer Simpson, Sherilyn Fenn.....
How do you respond to accusations of blasphemy?
We blaspheme all the time that's part of our church. You know we even blaspheme against ourselves we've even got a breakaway church called the Church of Bong you know, their job is to mock the Church of the SubGenius you know. Let the Pinks accuse all they want meanwhile we're still gonna let them have it you know, we don't care!
What's the story of your Saviour, G.R- sorry, J.R. 'Bob' Dobbs?
Ah Bob! The man everybody wants to know about. Bob Dobbs you know, they ask who is this guy with the pipe and that shit-eating grin? You know the guy whose face is plastered everywhere. Many have asked this. And they do want to know. Bob Dobbs you know. You can look at him as the man with the smile that has puzzled millions, you know. Does he know something we don't? Is he about to unveil some dark secret? Or is he insane? Or has he just sold us a car? Bob, you know. You can look at him as the Jesus that didn't get nailed you know. Bob the high Epopt of our church. Hell, I'm not talking about some dead dude nailed to a piece of wood, Bob is the living breathing, pipe smoking, deity for today!
He's the salesman! The New man! The Now man! The Man of tomorrow! And the Key to the Gateway is his pipe! And his way is through Slack! Bob doesn't think, he just knows! Hence he knows everything, but is in a continuous state of forgetting it! Bob insists that we only worship! We only, not only worship him, we worship him wholeheartedly, but also sporadically. For Bob merely offers himself as just one of an unlimited number of ShortDavPerSavs. To be discarded at whim in fact, it is our sacred duty as SubGeniuses that once we have truly found Bob we must free ourselves by killing Bob! Yes, we must kill Bob! For, killing Bob you are always truly free Bob is not a fanclub! For Bob will truly set you free and free to go out and start your own hellbent kickarse religion!!. You got that!?
I got that all but... do you have a home address for J.R. 'Bob' Dobbs?
Of course I've got an address you know. PO Box one four, zero three zero six, Dallas, Texas, seven five two one four USA. Send 'em all the money you got and they will send you salvation. We actually guarantee you salvation. Thirty Dollars will buy you salvation. You know, if you d- you know if you die and you do not have salvation we shall return you your thirty dollars guaranteed. What other religion will offer you that?
So what actions do you take, to mock organised religion? I've heard of your de-evangelising program.
Oh we do have a radio outreach but we haven't quite reached Australia yet you know um. We give bondage and discipline classes you know we go on de-evangelistic crusade where ah we shall infiltrate, you know the um evangelistic churches. You know we will sit there in the audience and heckle you know at every opportunity. We shall launch heads onto the stage you know. We will, you know, while everybody else is yelling out "Haleluia" we will be yelling out "Bob! Bob! Bob!".
I believe you also do youth counselling. What sort of advice do you give to...
Ah we don't quite do youth counselling we do you, what, We call it youth de-counselling. You know what the Councillors teach them we can un-teach them. You know, we, we're also looking at starting a T.V. Ministry here in Australia you know.
With Bob at the helm?
Um it could be Bob, it could be me, could be um sort of one of our many Ministers or Popes you know. We will offer healing, curses, hexes, vexes and other excesses you know. There will be alien contacts, Necromantic potions shall be, showered2 upon you, you know we will teach you about nomadic urban planing you know, chicken reading entrails, tantric deviational technology. We will do industrial face3 positions, miscule-baiting4, sex herd enhancement and bewitch-ed, bewitchment. Telepathic communications, radical head re-alignment and our yearly head launching.
Yes you mentioned that earlier, what, what does head launchings entail?
Um, this is, this comes from ah, one of our High Popes you know, St Janor Hypercleets, and his church of the um, the Bleeding Head of Arnold Palmer. See um, according to ah, Mr Hypercleets every year um, a head is launched, and this head is none other but the head of Arnold Palmer.
And this is a sacred relic of the church, launched once yearly at our convention.
Arnold Palmer the Golf Player?
Um vf.. Arnold Palmer the Golf Player is merely a clone of the real Arnold Palmer whose, head was um, yeah removed somehow I'm not quite sure yeah there's a lot of mystery surrounding this and you know much church argument.
So how did you come to worship the head of Arnold Palmer?
Oh we don't worship it we just launch it.
So Pope, May I call you Pope?
How do you feel about New Aged spirituality?
Aw! It's good for making a buck! You know if you can make money out of it I say go for it you know. There's plenty of Pinks out there to be duped and if you can get their money you should do it!
So, would Bob ever consider selling Tarot packs or crystals?
Hell yeah! You know um, you know one of Bob's greatest followers was L Ron Hubbard and you know about him. You know, Bob looked upon you know sort of Ron one day and said to him "Sure they're Pink but their Money is Green!"
Pope DKD Cadaver the Second there, talking about Church of the SubGenius. And according to Church of the SubGenius, the world will end on July the fifth, 1998, 7:00 AM Eastern Standard Time. So, as they say, if you're after Salvation, send thirty dollars now.
Factoid for the curious - Pope Cadaver says "you know" 44 times in the space of five and a half minutes, or (on average) once every 8 seconds.