Tales of the Geek Underclass

THE GEEK TEST

There are many different definitions of "Geek", from a person who sits in a pool of mud biting the heads off chickens, to someone who happens to wear glasses to a sports bar. But what exactly is a Geek in the context of the Tales?

Well here is your opportunity to find out! Fill out the questionnaire below, ticking each question to which you can answer yes, then click the "Submit" button at the bottom to find out where you'd rank in the Geek Underclass! Quick, easy, and guaranteed* accurate!

But before you do, this test assumes a few things. If you haven't completed high school yet, your score will probably be lower than it should be. Add five to ten percentiles depending on how Geeky you feel. If you were born before about 1970, your score will probably be a bit high, after all liking 80's music isn't all that Geeky if you were a teenager in the 80s. So subtract five to ten percentiles if you want to.

Above all that, have fun! Don't send me abusive emails if you don't like your result, it's not like this is in the least bit scientific. And remember, all technicalities count!

* i.e. not guaranteed

THE GEEK TEST
PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES
Do you have any allergies?
Are you allergic to four or more separate things?
Are you/have been on medication for your allergies?
Doctor prescribed medication?
Are you a bit overweight?
A lot overweight?
Did/Do you have bad acne?
Do you brush your hair less than once every three days?
Less than once a week?
Do you get a haircut less than once every three months?
Do bystanders point and laugh when you run?
When a ball comes flying in your direction, is your instinct to duck or run away?
Even if you're supposed to catch it?
Do you have asthma?
Is your asthma bad enough to require drugs or an inhaler?
Do you wear glasses?
All the time?

SOCIAL LIFE, BEHAVIOUR AND HOBBIES
Would you describe yourself as socially inept?
Would others describe you as socially inept?
Would you describe yourself as a Geek?
Would others describe you as a Geek?
Have you been on less than ten dates in your entire life?
Less than five?
None?
Do you get nervous talking to members of the opposite sex (MOTOS)?
So nervous you garble your words, trip over your feet, or say incredibly stupid things?
But you can chat online or email MOTOS with ease?
Do you know more MOTOS online than in real life?
Have you been/are you at university/tertiary study while still living at home?
Have you completed university/tertiary study while still live at home?
Have you completed university/tertiary study and found full time, long term employment while still living at home?
Do you abstain from alcohol?
For logical rather than medical, legal, religious or cultural reasons?
Do you understand what is meant by "logical reasons"?
What about coffee?
Are you old enough to drive, but don't have a license?
Is this because you've never bothered to try for one?
Do you often read more than one book at once?
More than three?
Five?
When people ask what you do do you have to think for a few seconds?
Do you keep your train/bus/ferry tickets?
Other people's train/bus/ferry tickets?
Are most of your friends people you knew at school?
Would you rather read a book than go to a party?
Would you rather use a computer than go to a party?
Would you rather do anything than go to a party?
Do you own less than three pairs of shoes?
Do you never or hardly ever wear makeup (girls) or aftershave (guys)?
When going out to a social event, do you spend less than 10 minutes getting ready?
If not, is this because you never go out to social events?
In a situation where you have to wear "good" clothes, do you try and get away with sneakers/trainers/sports shoes?
Do you refuse to wear brand label clothing?
Do you buy all (or almost all) your clothes from chain department stores?
Do you buy clothes for their functionality rather than their appearance?
Do or have you belonged to a fanclub or mailing list?
Do/Did you run or help run the club/list?
Was it a Science Fiction fanclub or mailing list?
Have you ever produced a fanzine?
Have you ever produced a fanzine that got past the first issue?
Have you ever produced a fanzine that anyone bought?
Have you ever studied an artificial language (Esperanto, Klingon etc)?
Have you ever created your own artificial language?
Did it contain gender for inanimate objects, more than five tenses of pronouns or other bizarre constructions?

SCHOOL LIFE
At primary/elementary school did your friends make up a club or gang?
Did it have a silly name (such as the Council of Brains, or the Superfriends)?
Did you belong to such a club or gang at high school?
Do you still belong to such a club or gang?
Were you bullied at high school?
Were you bullied at high school by people in lower years than you?
Did you play role playing games (such as Dungeons and Dragons)?
Did you play role playing games during lunch break at school?
In the school library?
Do you still play?
Did you have a special arrangement with the school librarian to borrow books before they are catalogued?
Would you have liked to buy your school, kick everyone out, and live there?
Were you friends with the Principal?
The Vice Principal?
The School Chaplain/Counsellor?
Did you always follow school rules?
Out of a sense of duty or honour as opposed to fear?
Did you never wag/play hooky even once?

COMPUTERS, SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY
Do you know more people online than in real life?
Do you get more email than real mail?
Excluding spam?
Do you suffer "mouse wrist", "VDU Eye" or any other computer induced syndrome?
Do you know any programming languages (HTML counts)?
More than 5?
Do you program professionally as a career?
If you moved house, would your computer be the first thing you unpacked?
Do you blog?
Did you start blogging before blogging became cool?
Do you actually update your blog with any level of regularity?
Did you program your own blog?
Have you ever bought on eBay?
Have you ever sold on eBay?
Do you have an eBay feedback rating of over 100?
Do you use Kazaa?
Do you have a Kazaa participation rating of Guru or higher?
And yet are tormented with guilt about all the pirated files you've downloaded?
Do you run Seti@home?
Are you signed up with multiple messenger programs?
Do you write 'MicroSoft' with a dollar sign (Micro$oft)?
Do you gleefully point out that 'William Gates III' adds up to 666 in ASCII code?
Yet run Windows anyway?
Do you have your own website?
More than one?
Do you own a domain name?
More than one?
Do you write your website in a text editor such as Notepad?
Do you look with contempt upon those who use WYSIWYG editors?
When someone says 'Eunuchs' do you hear 'UNIX'?
Do you own, or wish to own a GPS receiver?
A laser pointer?
A telescope?
A Palm Pilot or similar hand-held?
Can you describe how a television works?
Can you describe how a nuclear weapon works?
Given money and an electronics lab, could you build a television from scratch?
Given a fissionable mass of uranium or plutonium could you build a nuclear weapon from scratch?
Do you consider nuclear weapons to be easy?
Do you get annoyed when people call Chernobyl a nuclear explosion?
Do you know the Chemical symbols for at least 10 elements?
20 Elements?
Can you explain the difference between nuclear fission and nuclear fusion?
Do you enjoy explaining the difference between nuclear fission and nuclear fusion?
Can you name all the planets of the solar system in order?
Did you use a silly sentence or acronym to help you remember them?
Did you include the sun?
Did you include the asteroid belt?
Did you include the Kupier or Oort Belts?
Did you exclude Pluto?
Do you know the difference between speed and velocity?
Do you understand the difference between osteo and rheumatoid arthritis?
Do you understand Shrödinger's cat?
Do you understand why Shrödinger's cat is stupid and proves nothing?
Do you celebrate Agnostica?
Do you even know what Agnostica is?
Do you laugh when people specify -40 degrees as fahrenheit or celsius?
Have you ever done an IQ test?
Did you score above 100?
Above 120?
Do you own a copy of "A Brief History of Time?"
Have you actually read it?
More than once?
More than twice?
Five times or more?
Did you understand any of it?
Did you spend all of 1999 and/or 2000 telling people the new millennium doesn't start til 2001?
Did you refuse to do anything special on new years eve 1999 because of it wasn't the millennium?
Do you never do anything special on new years eve anyway?

MOVIES, TELEVISION AND GEEK CULTURE
Do you follow the plot of three or more television shows?
Are you addicted to any television shows?
Did you watch The X-Files?
Were you addicted to the X-Files?
Do you think the X-Files should have been axed about four seasons before it actually was?
Have you ever had a "thing" for a fictional TV or movie character?
A character who could be described as a geek?
Was it Agent Mulder or Scully?
Was it an animated TV character?
Have you ever had a really serious "thing" for a fictional TV or movie character?
Do you know the significance of the phrase "We were on a break"?
Do you know the significance of the number 37?
What if I say it "37!?"
What about the phrase "Back off man! I'm a Scientist!"?
Are these pretzels making you thirsty?
Have you ever exclaimed "Great Scott!!"
How about "Mother Puss-Bucket!!"
Did you cry when Optimus Prime died?
Do you sing/hum/whistle along with the theme when your favourite TV shows starts?
When there are other people around?
Do you watch Star Trek (any series)?
Do you watch Star Trek, the original series?
Can you describe the plot of every Star Trek film?
In nauseating detail?
Do you understand the odd/even number rule of Star Trek movies?
Do you think it's true?
Even for the Next Geration movies?
Can you sing the lyrics of the original Star Trek theme?
Have you ever dressed up as a TV character?
A Star Trek character?
Have you taken part in a campaign to save a TV show threatened with the axe?
Do you celebrate Festivus?
Do you even know what Festivus is?
Can you hum/whistle the theme to Knight Rider, MacGyver, Airwolf, or Doctor Who?
Do you own midi/tracker/MP3 files of the above themes?
More than five?
More than ten?
Is your CD/DVD/book/video collection in alphabetical or dewey order?
Is your CD/DVD/book/video collection in colour order?
Have you ever gone to the movies alone?
Do you do so regularly?
Do you look forward to the movie trailers?
To the point that you're annoyed if you miss them?
Do you wait at the end of the movie and watch the credits?
Do you keep your movie tickets?

MUSIC!
Do you own any Ween, Soul Coughing, They Might Be Giants, King Missile, TISM, Devo, David Bowie or Weird Al Yankovic Albums?
More than five?
More than ten?
Any of them on vinyl?
Do you think Marilyn Manson is just a pathetic Bowie wannabe?
Do you like 80s music?
Do you own any "Best of the 80's" compilations?
On CD?
Do you think Duran Duran are better than Adam and the Ants?
Do you think Blondie are better than Psuedo Echo?
Do you even know who these people are?
Can you sing the chorus of "The Reflex"?
Do it now, out loud, for an extra point
Are you the operator of your pocket calculator?
Do you like ABBA?
Queen?
The Village People?
Any other kitschy/camp musical act that many ordinary people would consider an unsightly blotch upon the face of modern music?

GENERAL KNOWLEDGE
Can you name the highest points of all seven continents?
Can you name the lowest points of all seven continents?
Can you name the longest rivers of all seven continents?
Did you choose the Missouri over the Mississippi and the Darling over the Murray in the last question?
Do you know the significance of the number 23?
Do you know the significance of the number 42?
Do you pride yourself on your store of memorised quotes and poetry?
Is any of it Shakespeare?
Do you know who Emperor Norton is/was?
Nikola Tesla?
Charles Fort?
Apophis?
Kibo?
Can you name at least 15 American Presidents?
Can you name at least 30 American States?
And you're not American?
Do you know the currency of the Philippines?
Do people insist that you accompany them to quiz nights?
Does your table always come at least fourth?

THE FINAL QUESTION!!
If you get less than 50% on this test will you be seriously disapointed?

   
Result:

For purposes of comparison, I will list the scores of various members of the Geek Underclass here, as soon as they can be corralled into taking the test.

DENYS THE PURPLE WYRM - 85%

Much of the credit for the Geek test must go to Helen Berrington and Ali Yates, who suggested many excellent additional questions and are true Geeks in spirit if not in percentages.

That's a compliment damnit! :)

January 1st 2001 - V.3.10 - Various small revisions to bring the test into line with the 21st century.
October 4th 2000 - V.3.04 - Mark Weldon's "CD/DVD/Book/Video alphabeticisation" question was added.
October 3rd 2000 - V.3.03 - Sarah Cockerell's "special arrangement with the librarian" question was added.
June 26th 2000 - V.3.02 - The umlat in "Shrödinger" was fixed and Devo were added to the list of approved Geek music.
March 7th 2003 - V.4.00 - A whole heap of Major updates to make up for the last three years of inactivity.